One of the reasons I moved to WordPress, is because it’s easier to do the whole trackback thing when you’ve seen a post and been inspired by it. At Umar Lee’s and Margari’s blogs there have been big discussions on suitable partners for marriage, looking abroad for a spouse and so on.
Should you marry someone from this country? That ethnicity? What about the children? Which leads on to the whole concept of Muslim identity, can there be a British/American/Western Muslim identity.
We cover each other with labels : Arab, Pakistani, British, American, Born Muslim, Converts.
Then we plaster over slogans: Arabic speaker (will help me learn Arabic), Modern, Traditional, From my culture, not from my culture, Educated, blue collar…
So people have all these ideas for marriage, that it is a big magic wand that will change their lives and will surely improve them as a Muslim.
So many issues and it’s easy to get caught up in it all and people forget what marriage is about.
Firstly. Intention. It is such a powerful thing, in this life and the next, so make it a beautiful one, for the sake of Allah swt.
Secondly, You marry a person. A human being with issues and deficiencies, good points and bad points.
I recently read that marriage means you have to face all the problems in your life times two. To me, that is a really good way of describing it.
If you are struggling in your deen, marriage won’t necessarily improve things, even if you are married to a good brother.
Alhamdulilah, I am very happy with Mr Outlines, but when we first got married and I was crazy-in-love-shiny-dress-dance-routine-wanted-to-sing-it-to-the-world*, I found that these feelings were so overwhelming, plus newly married life is very busy, that it really affected my conectedness (not sure if that is a real word) to Allah swt. I really had to evaluate and set myself back on the path and Alhamdulilah, Mr Outlines was a real help with this.
Actually that brings me to another point. So you’ve met the wonderful spouse to be they are pious, you have the same attitudes in Islam, so it’s going to be wonderful, right?
Masha Allah, this is a great start, but you have to take into consideration the differences in each person’s journey to Allah swt. You might like to go to every halaqa ever and they like to read Qur’an by themselves all night. You need to make space for each other. We are all trees in a forest, there is room for us all to grow, insha Allah.
Back to the labelling issue. We need to make less assumptions about what being this or that race/ethnicity/background someone is. None of us were made in a factory, we are all complex. It pains me to read when people write/say ‘x’ are backward. ‘y’ are dominating, ‘z’ make bad wives.
You are not marrying Arabs, Pakistanis, whatever, you are marrying that person, so find out what they are like and their opinions. Look to their deen first and then be realistic and be prepared to accept that person as they are. You are not ‘doing someone a favour’ by marrying them and vice versa. Respect is key, if you do not think they are good enough for you, it won’t work and they deserve better.
Above all, it is already written.
Astagfurallah, I forget the reality of this sometimes. You think about different decsions: what if? There is no what if, no fork in the road, no alternative reality. So alhamdulilah, we have the Qur’an and Sunnah to guide us and help us gain the good in this world and the good in the next, insha Allah.
If I have written anything good it is from Allah swt, if I have written anything bad, it s from me.
*Actually, I do still feel like this, Alhamdulilah